Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
