it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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