What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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