dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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