Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
