i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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