she woke up with a sticky ear
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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