running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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