maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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