You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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