I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
