My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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