i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
