Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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