sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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