sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
