I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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