Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
