Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
