anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
