She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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