so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
