you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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