I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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