dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
