i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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