im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
