the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
