Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
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I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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