it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
