I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
