I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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