well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
