I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
