This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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