You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
