Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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