just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
