I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
