I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
