Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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