Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
