He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
