I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
