I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
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you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
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I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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