I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
