I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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