I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
