Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
