You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
