I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
