Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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