Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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