Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
